Since I last posted, I survived a colonoscopy on July 14; yeah, the doctor thinks I’m getting “older” and am beginning to need routine preventive maintenance. And I discovered how small the world can be.
I could go into excruciating detail about it, but there are people reading who might get squeamish. Or would it be more accurate to say that there are SOME people reading who might NOT get squeamish?... So let’s just say that it’s a private sort of place, and not most people’s idea of the best thing to put on television. But if you’re told to have one, please don’t worry about having a colonoscopy. They’re not that bad, honest!
I will give a very brief synopsis: the liquid diet was not bad. It made an interesting challenge: can Neil walk past cookies, potato chips, beer, cheese, and my Beloved’s leftovers in the fridge? Yes, he can. For two days.
The worst part of the whole thing is the laxative. They try to make it semi-palatable by adding a really strong orange taste. That probably wasn’t as bad as the stuff would taste without it, but it was disgusting anyway.
Second worst part was waiting 7 hours in the hospital to have it done. By the time I was wheeled into the room, I was ready to undergo ANYTHING just to get out of there. So in a way, the long wait was a good thing: I stopped being scared, and just got impatient for it to be over with.
The third worst thing was for me only (for your sake, dear reader, I dearly hope it was only me): the nurse assisting recognized me from my workplace... Oh, lovely! Here I am, about to display some of my most private anatomy, and the nurse says, “I know you from the art gallery!” Thank you, no; I work for the City, not the gallery. They just lease the space in our building. And here I am, hooked up to intravenous, pulse oximeter (I have a resting pulse that didn’t want to go below 57), blood pressure cuff, and there’s tools around me that would make the Grand Inquisitor jealous, and I’m explaining my workplace to the nurse...
Trust me, colonoscopies don’t hurt; the drugs are very good. They do, however, inflate the, um, work site with air to ease the tool’s passage. The air goes in, distends the stomach, which is uncomfortable, and afterwards you’re told to lie on your left side, because that’s the way the wind blows. And blow it does. They encourage you to let the air pass without shame. The distention goes down, they call your ride home and you’re done.
And yes, there is a CRT screen in the room; it’s necessary, and allows the procedure in the first place. And no, I did NOT watch. I fell asleep. GOOD drugs.
And after all that, there’s actually a good side to what I went through. Well, two for me. They didn’t find anything evil, which is good. But they also asked if I’d be part of a survey group (YES! anything that helps). They needed an extra but small blood sample (sorry, Elizabeth), and two weeks later, I give another fasting blood sample, and that’s it for me. The reason is that there’s some sort of bio-marker been discovered in the blood. If you have the marker, you may have a 90% probability of bowel or colon cancer. If the marker isn’t in your blood, you are unlikely to develop cancer down there. So the study (whose lead researcher is married to someone I work with), is looking at the reliability of the bio-marker. If it turns out to be reliable, I may have helped prevent you, or more likely your children, from having to undergo routine screening colonoscopy procedures. And that IS a good thing!
But I still think my doctor could have found a more appropriate way to celebrate the storming of the Bastille last Monday.
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2 comments:
Yeah, having someone recognize you from your workplace would be very embarressing:
Nurse: "Hey I know you, nice to see you, so you are here to..." (looks at chart), "Get a camera up your butt. Wow, I am going to drop by the Gallery on Wednesday, think you will be there."
Neil: "Um, hmmmm, I am not sure, See, it used to be that Anal probes were the horror of being abducted by aliens but I am actually WAITING here hours for one, so I might be at my therapists, trying to check my sanity levels on Wednesday."
Also, have to say, I really can't imagine a drug that would put me to sleep after someone had inflated my intestines like making an animal ballon at the fairground, then stuck a camera up there....but you fell asleep? I know that I am more 'sensative' to certain feedback, like touch and sound but whatever that drug is, I need it, for when they guy comes at 2:00 am playing his bass song in his car to pick up his girlfriend, 20 minutes of "Boom, boom, boom, booom"
Still better asleep than awake I guess. My father would WANT to see the TV screen. I would want to DESTROY the TV screen so that no one could see it. Glad it is over and you can enjoy food once again!
Oh, goodness, but I love your sense of humour, Beth dear!
The nurse's sister works for a company that has an annual meet-and-greet with her clients at the gallery. And the nurse helps serve booze. I stay the hell away from the place on those night, since it's not our event. the gallery leases space fro the City in a City-owned facility, and the event is a private function.)
But she didn't even have to look at the chart; there was a whole ward full of butts for the doctor to, um, go through.
The doctor likes golf apparently. But I suspect that's not what he meant by "18 holes a day."
The first drug was Demerol. The doctor said the second one was, uh, Bedazzlin? Something like that. I remember making a joke about how I was bedazzled with it, and the Doc said something about it being called that on the street. After that it was pressure, like sitting on a doorknob maybe, and a painfully distended belly, despite the drugs. Then, yes, I fell asleep. The procedure wasn't that uncomfortable. Really! And considering the area he ws working in, it was very tastefully handled.
Oh, camera, and something to remove polyps, just in case: they CAUTERIZE the little buggers. I REALLY don't want to know what he had crawling around in there, and I was quite willing to do the extra blood test to help others avoid the procedure in future.
Oh, the boom, the bloody, bloody boom. The boom o' the damned teen's car! How do girlfriends STAND it??? Those, and motorcycles with loud pipes. Grrrr.
And I've heard cars rattle the windows, sounding loud from indoors at -40 degrees, with all our doors and windows shut, and the CAR windows shut. The only thing to rival it for window-rattling was the natural gas explosion two kilometres away one Saturday morning when a garage blew up. The person causing the blast wasn't hurt, and didn't lose any hair. His car didn't do well, though.
Waiting for it? Nay, lass, eagerly anticipating it, so it can be over with!!! I went in scared spitless, and by 1 pm would have walked on hot coals to get out of there. Done the procedure without anesthetic. ANYTHING to get it over with. The the doctor came in and started fiddling with the tools; I thought he was going to offer to show them to me, and I was getting ready to confess all my sins. It was a bit like the inquisition.
Ah, but what foods these morsels be! Going home to supper was wonderful.
Thanks for the giggles, Beth. DArn but I'm glad I met you online!!
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